This is an article I originally wrote for a friends fanzine, www.myspace.com/playthesongilike last year in reaction to the ridiculousness of nu rave. I think the whole scene has come full circle now, so it’s particularly apt. Just look at these twats…
As well as committing heinous crimes against fashion, nu-ravers should also be tried for animal rights…
He’s not a happy puppy is he? Even dogs know they look ridiculous in this sh*t, it’s a pity humans don’t.
Here are the floopy fringed f**kers that started the whole bloody thing…
And here’s my article:
The Emperors Nu-Rave Clothes
There once was a band. They called themselves after the Greek word for shriek, Klaxon. They had a moronic idea to make their bands name in a frenzy of hype in under a year. Namely to cram as much irrelevant psychedelic lyrics, abstruse literary references and ‘stuff about the future’ into their songs as humanly possible. Then to mix this with, dysfunctional bleeps, disjointed ‘going no where bass lines’ and lots of feedback. Then resurrect and rework a cult rave tune- just by adding some beeps in the background really- and spear-heading a new genre with the help of NME, which wouldn’t really be new actually, it’d just be a revivalism of the 90’s scene but they’d call it new rave, because it was new, kind of.
Their mission? To be hailed as the kings of the near future of music. To have minions of impressionable teenagers slavishly marching to topshop’s most overpriced section to buy ridiculous neon colored oversized T-shirts with slogans like ‘FEEL THE BEAT’ or ‘SAVE THE RAVE’ combined with spandex leggings and fluorescent protractors hung around their necks all in honour of the Klaxons. They would then confuse people by switching tactics and claiming that they never had anything to do with the genre and their sound was not ‘New Rave’. But then accept a prize for their album being New Rave. Confused?
Wait didn’t this already happen? And didn’t we just reward these idiots with a prestigious music prize and a £20,000 cheque? Doh!
I like many readers (unless you’ve got luminous protractor round your neck, in which case go measure the angle of your fringe) was royally pissed to learn that the Klaxons had won the Mercury music prize. It is a prize that matters to music fans. It’s not like the phone company sponsored ‘music’ events we see on our TV’s every other weekend. The Mercury, in it’s 15 years has gained a reputation as a credible award for musical achievement. And is also positive in the fact that, if awarded to a relatively unknown artist it can push album sales and open the artist up to a much wider audience.
The crack team of judges, who this year included Lauren Laverne and Guardian journalist Jude Rodgers were supposed to sift through the rubbish but somehow Klaxons slipped through the filter. The Mercury is known for it’s high-mindedness and explain on their website that “the music on the album is the only thing that counts.” However it seems like The Klaxons were picked because of the (be it contrived) ‘new genre’ they ‘created’
And the hype that surrounded it. I imagine it was a case where the judges thought ‘The Klaxons have spear-headed a new genre, revitalized music and created a new youth sub culture phenomenon.’ They also thought ‘the kid’s are down with this despite the fact that we think this is a steaming pile of horseshit and barely listenable, however we do not want to appear out of touch.’ Apparently Klaxons captured what it was like to be young, loud and alien to your parents- their bass player is 27 years old. You’d think he would be over all that by now.
The record also created a generational divide between new ravers- who thought that Klaxons were saviours and the old ravers who thought they were shit- namely because they are. The judges probably took this into account too and the fact that it created a strong divide and such controversy which The Mercury is no stranger to.
What was the clincher- was it the fact that Klaxons had the ability to rhyme Snow with Go in ‘Magick’? On the night of their win a bleary eyed Jamie Reynolds, ‘singer’ with The Klaxons grabbed the mike and spoke earnestly into the camera “ I think the judges have rewarded forward thinking music…. We have made the most forward thinking record in I don’t know how long.” That he had the audacity to make this grandiose claim baffles me. Surely people like Kieran Hebden, who is making the most genuinely forward thinking, extraordinary and inspiring music on the planet right now should be up for a nomination?
In other words- The Klaxons won the Mercury for all the wrong reasons and not any of the right ones. The judges would have been wise to remember the mantra ‘the music on the album is the only thing that counts’. Maybe in the near future they’ll get it right?
In Addendum: A Delve into the Near Future.
Disjointed drumbeats mixed with utterly trite and pretentious lyrics on ‘Myths of the Near Future’ combine to create a musical mess so cringe worthy it’s barely listenable. I listened to it so you don’t have to……
These lyrics are neither clever nor witty, they just expose Klaxons for the shallow fashion victims they are who name check all the ‘right books’ but have never so much as read the first line of any of them.
People seem to be of the opinion that is ‘groundbreaking’. I don’t understand why. Is it simply because it contains some warped guitars and squealing intermittent bleeps of feedback? The only thing The Klaxons are masking through the heavy distortion is the fact that they can’t actually play their instruments.
It all feels like we’re caught up in a giant ugly episode of Nathan Barley that’s gone horribly out of hand.
As Dan Ashcroft would say- THE IDIOTS HAVE WON (and they glow in the dark).
